CELEBATHON

"Nazi Supermen Are Our Masters" - Mel Gibson tells Jewish school kids

2008-03-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Movie star/director/nut-case, Mel 'Gibbo' Gibson, has once again shocked the respectable world of Hollywood by declaring his 'admiration' for Nazi's - to a group of Jewish school children while visiting their school.

Gibson - described as 'bonkers' by one little boy - entered the classroom with his ageing xenophobic Father and began ranting and raving while handing out food vouchers for his local KKK-owned supermarket and homemade gingerbread Hitler cookies.

"He told us that Nazi supermen are our masters. What's a Nazi?", sobbed 9-year-old Timmy.

The children's schoolteacher Miss Sensible sensed danger and immediately instructed the class to resume the Gibbo position.

"Every Jewish school has a Gibbo safety policy which we practice twice a day", said the sensible Miss Sensible , "some people thought we were too reactionary but thank god for our training".

At the end of his rant, Gibson leapt from a 3rd floor window to the street below and escaped -naked - by foot into surrounding brush.
His Father took the stairs. Literally.
Firemen had to use ladders to rescue the stranded kids.

Gibson has subsequently apologized for his outburst and blamed it on drink and society.

Sub Continent of India dissapears up Richard Gere's backside

2007-11-30T10:41:00.001-08:00

The Earth lost almost 1/6th of it's population today following a disaster involving former Hollywood heart-throb Richard Gere.

The star, who famously made a fool of himself a number of months back with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty, was on a fact-finding mission to Bombay when all hell broke loose. Gere went wild after a night of hard partying with a sacred cow and embarked on a spree of mayhem unseen since the day's of Nazi handbag-lover Adolf Hitler.

"Mister Gere pulled down his pants, such was his great merriment", gasped one lucky eyewitness who managed to flee the country in a chartered helicopter with just seconds to spare, "and the entire country and all it's beautiful peoples and interesting heritage and customs, vanished up his bottom, Whoosh, just like that".

Of all Gere's pranks - people may remember him from the time he electrocuted a bus-load of school kids with an electric chair and claimed he was 'researching a role' - this is the most 'troubling'.

"I apologise profusely", said Gere through an interpreter earlier today, "I don't know what I was thinking. I was out of my mind with joy at being welcomed to this once amazingly diverse nation.

"I was sure that when they said that India was the 'sub-continent', that they would have a replacement for it on the bench."

"Please accept my sincere apologies and a box-set of DVD's of my favorite movies, such a s Pretty Woman, An Officer and A Gentleman and The Mothman Prophesy".

The nation of India now joins a hamster inside Gere's posterior.

"I don't know how or why he did such a terrible thing", said Ravjesh Krampakur, one of the last surviving Indians in the world, "who could have thought that he was capable of such madness?"

Esteemed surgeons from all across the globe have declined to operate on Gere for fear that they too may get too close and get sucked into the abyss.

"Smoking Crack with Jack": Nicholson gets once off Christmas TV Special

2007-11-11T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hollywood legend Jack Nicholson is to get a once off Holiday special TV talk show where he interviews friends while under the influence of narcotics.
"Smoking Crack with Jack" is produced by HBO and is scheduled to air on Christmas day. The shows producer, Larry Bazterde, said the old time womaniser didn't need much persuasion to come on board:
"We just dangled some white powder in front of him. Literally dangled on a long stick with a string. Jack immediately said he'd do it".

The most controversial part of the show - apart from the on screen smoking of crack cocaine, heroin and imbibing of liquid LSD, of course - is the part where Jack invites long time pal Roman Polanski to his house to meet a surprise guest.

"Roman thinks its just gonna be himself, Jack, maybe Warren Beatty and some 'young' people. So Jack smuggles Roman back into the country and plies him with drink and drugs", chuckles Bazterde, "Boy does he get a shock when he realises that it's just a mock up of Jacks mansion we built on the studio lot in front of a couple of hundred cheering audience members! - and they're all street addicts! What a hoot!"

The mood certainly changes when Jack wheels in none other than convicted celebrity murderer Charles Manson - the very man responsible for the murders of Roman's wife Sharon Tate and friends at his house back in the late 60's.

"Jack just cracks up when he see's Roman's reaction, but there's more", say's a now hysterical Bazterde, "Jack then tells Roman that he's called the cops and they're waiting outside to arrest Roman for his previous offenses. Well, Roman freaks out and escapes.He's still out there somewhere in the Hollywood Hills".
Nicholson, who famously smoked lots of marijuana during the shooting of the classic movie Easy Rider, then interviews old friend 'mad' Dennis Hopper.

"Dennis Hopper is a wild man", says Bazterde, "and in text book Hopper form, Dennis throws a fit. The man frickin' attacks the audience with a rubber duck, claiming he's the reincarnation of the child actor who played Alfalfa in The Little Rascals. The audience are so stoned from the fumes billowing throughout the studio, that they just watch on inanely and applaud."

The show ends with Jack and a Bing Crosby impersonator singing yuletide classic "White Christmas" while covered in a suspicious white substance.

"This one is for all the family at Christmas time", blabs Bazterde, " The true spirit of Christmas is celebrated for all Americans with a little bit of Hollywood magic".

Jesus wasn't son of God: Pope to quit

2007-11-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

Pope Benedict XVI, supreme leader of the Catholic population of the world is to quit his position after finding out that the figure his religion is based on was a fake.

The Vatican is in a state of disarray today after the announcement by a team of Dutch scientists who have forensically proven that Jesus was not in actual fact the Son of God, but merely a crap magician's assistant who prowled the middle East over 2000 years ago.

Vatican spokesman, Father Anus Prhoeb, had this to say to the throng of international reporters camped at St Peters basilica: "The holy Father is pissed off - and so am I for that matter. Can you imagine the embarrassment of quite literally putting your entire faith into a man who turns out to be a spoofer.

"Pope Benny is 80 years old. he's been believing this lark for all his life. And for what? Bullsh*t. We should have guessed it much earlier. C'mon, the signs were obvious: the cheesy wedding party wine tricks and that loaves and fishes thing is straight out of a cheap Vegas variety show."

The Dutch scientists took a sample of DNA from a fragment of an ancient diaper - which is said to be the one the baby Jesus wore in Bethlahem when he was born in the stable - and compared it to a sample from the hankerchief of a con-artist magician's assistant known as Dave who was at work in the Holy Land at the time of Jesus' life. The similarities were remarkable and were an almost perfect match - 99.6% conclusive.

"Jesus was Dave the Magic Guy", said Doctor Ruud Boye who led the forensics team who did the research, "Dave worked the sleazy clubs in Nazareth and places like that as an assistant to various popular magicians of the time. But he got tired of always playing second fiddle and decided when he was about 30 years old to go out on his own. This whole Christianity malarky is the work of someone who could have written for a spoof website and grabbed thousands of hits."

"All the major religions of the world regard Jesus as a holy man or prophet so in essense Dave fooled everybody, not just Christians. The protestant religion will just keep up the show 'cause they aren't really bothered so much with the J-man but the Roman Catholics are f*cked. Christamas may have to be renamed Dave's Day."

As for Pope Benedicts future, some have speculated that the shrivelled old prune may try to keep out of the spotlite and keep a low profile alongside his fiancee Paris Hilton who is pregnant with his child and due to give birth in late december.

Newsreader admits making up the news

2007-11-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

Hugely popular Russian televison newscaster Yelena Mankchekova has admitted that she has been making up news stories and using them in her nightly broadcasts which attract a viewership of almost 60 million of the countries vodka swigging population.

She convinced her people and President Vladimir Putin that the USA is melting and is being run by Oompa Loompas, that Abraham Lincoln is alive and well in a cryogenic state from which he rules over his enslaved people with an iron fist. She also told them that Hitler was back in town and advised the countrys children to go to sleep early in case Der Fuhrer may kipnap them and send them to work in his shoe-making factories. She also said that all men over the age of 21 must send their gold teeth to a postal address number which she now admits was owned by her.

Miss Mankchekova, 38, presenter of Russia Today, the nations second most watched programme after Dancing with Yuri the Siberian Bear, made the statement after a work colleague and former boyfriend made allegations in a letter to members of the Russian parliment.

Last nite, Miss Mankchekova made the following unscheduled statement live on air:
"Comrades, it has come to my attention that my pig former boyfriend has made comments about me behind my back. To save further torment I will come clean and admit my wrongdoings. For the past number of years I have been, how shall I say, 'twisting' the truth. Comrades I beg your forgiveness, especially mighty comrade Putin."

Valdimir Putin is said to be very upset and is in a state of shock. It was Miss Mankchekova's insistance that the United States and it's she-male warrior princes were set to invade the country that encouraged the Russian premier to take an aggressive stance and establish a new missile defense system along the borders.
It is not known why Miss Mankchekova decided to behave in this manner but the disgraced newsreader - who performs topless on air each Christmas to raise money for Russian donkeys - has been suspended and sent to a Siberian gulag for some "rest and recooperation".

Number of would-be terrorists on rise in U.K.

2007-11-05T14:58:00.000-08:00

The chief of domestic intelligence in Britain has stated that at least 20 million people in Britain pose a "direct threat to national security and public safety" because of their potential to grow beards.

The figure is not new - PM Gordon Brown talked of it earlier in the year - but Johnathon Tossface, head of the MI5, went even further, saying there might be another 40 million would-be terrorists not yet known to the authorities.

Speaking at a conference in Madchester - where he was attending a concert by sh*t band Oasis - Tossface also said that extremists in Britain were more likely than before to be connected to networks in other countries, and they were increasingly grooming children and young people to carry out terrorist attacks.

"We have evidence of children as young as 5 being groomed by extremist barbers", said the chief, "imagine a five year old with a beard? And that includes girls. Some of them children can be very hairy indeed".

Opponents of the government, however, pointed out that the speech is a "load of codswallup" and "bunkum".

Barry Normal, of the Society for Free Thinking and Living Without Political Bullsh*t (S.F.T.L.W.P.B), says:
"The population of Great Britania is only about 60 million gentlefolk. M15's assertion is that everyone may be a terrorist.What a pile of snuff".

But Gordan Brown supports the M15 chiefs stance saying:
"Evidence has shown that people with beards are more likely to cause trouble. Look at the history: Che Guevara - bloody troublesome git;the IRA were all a bunch of beary weirdies and look at the trouble they did to us; Guy Fawkes had a very pretty beard but his lot tried to blow the sh*t out of us back in the olde days.

"History has shown us that beard wearers are a nuisance. That Al Quaeda lot all have bloody great big beards, dont they. What about that Osama Bin whatisname fellow. What's his game, eh? Hiding I tell you. Hiding from the stern fatherly hand of papa Brown. Well no more shall they. Off with their hairyness. Smooth skin and a good table manners are the way to good citizenship"

"The dramatic increase in beards in this fine nation is cause for great concern. I vow to rid our country and the world of hairy faces".

Madonna signs multi-million $$$ deal with The Devil

2007-10-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

Pop superstar Madonna has signed a deal worth millions with his satanic magesty, The Devil. At a press converence in Malawi, the singer announced the details of the deal to the astonished press.

"I am saddened to be leaving Warners, who I have been working with for 25 years. But I am completely delighted to sign this megabucks deal with The Devil. I will be richer than I was before. Which is nice, mothaf*ckas", said Madonna, accompanied by a number of orphans and hangers-on.

The terms of the deal include a clause whereby Madonna must hand over her soul to Satan. This detail has caused much head scratching as many believed she had already given it to him years ago.

The Devil, himself resplendent in Gucci hooves and Armani suit, outlined the main points of the arrangement.

"She gets as much power, money, mansions, beach houses, record sales, servants faberge eggs as she wants. She will never age from this point onwards. I mean physically, or should I say "externally". On the inside she'll rot like a year old turnip. SHe'll have perfect teeth, hair, skin and be incredibly bendy so she can do as much of that yoga crap as she likes. But her internal organs are mine. I need 'em to get to that soul. It's in there somewhere, I know it is. And that baby's mine" .

Madonna's husband, film director Guy Richie, was asked to comment their future togerther now.
"May I talk, Mommy?", timidly asked the man child as he gazed upwards at his super rich wife before continuing when given a discreet nod of approval, "I sold my soul to the mister Devil man so that I could marry Madonna but my contract should be up soon.I aint gonna see a cent, mate. Baby Banda's getting the lot when she eventually pops 'er clogs. So basically I'm f*cked".

Madonna has warned that she will be releasing an album of childrens songs next year - in Latin - to celebrate her 50th birthday. The Devil has promised that it will sell millions of copies worldwide and that he will make every human on Earth learn the language before the years end.

"Dead" Anna Nicole Smith spotted on the surface of Uranus

2007-10-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

Many thought that Anna Nicole - the Playboy Playmate who was married to an octogenarian billionaire, who saw her son die while visiting her in hospital after having a baby, married her lawyer before burying her son and then died herself shortly afterwards in the Bahamas (phew!) - was dead. But no! NASA scientists operating out of the canteen at Cape Canaveral have discovered that the star is alive and well and apparently living a "normal" life on the planet Uranus.

Professor Mosley Krapptawker explains:
"Some of our highly paid scientist's were doing a random search of the solar system after a late night drink and drugs fuelled binge, when all of a sudden something peculiar and unexpected showed up on our monitors. Upon closer examination and a process of elimination we deduced that what we'd sen was Anna Nicole Smith licking her lips on the northwestern side of the planet Uranus. We were quite suprised, as I'm sure you can understand."

Many theories have been put forward for the strange discovery. One being that Anna Nicole's body got mixed up with that of the body of James "Scotty" Doohan from Star Trek, who was to be buried in space. Journalists were later informed that Scotty could'nt be blasted into space due to a technicality and was returned to Earth. Was this a conspiracy to cover up the mistake of accidentally blasting Smith into the cosmos?

All of this fails to answer the central question. How could Anna Nicole be alive? Professor Krapptawker has an explanation:
"Miss Smith died with quite a substantial amount of prescription drugs and narcotics in her system. These drugs - under certain conditions such as low gravity and lack of oxygen - can have the efffect of reviving a person and in fact bringing them back to life".

But what of the appearance on Uranus?
"Miss Smith possible travelled for many millions of miles before getting sucked into the gravitational pull of Uranus. There she must have landed and continued to lead her life as normal".

NASAS nad several other internation space agencies have put in motion immediate plans to launch "exploration" missions to Uranus to photograph the (human) star.
"We've been appraoched by the National Enquiror and serveral British and German tabloids for pictures of Miss Smith sunbathing nude on the planets surface", said Professor Krapptawker, "she appears to be unfazed by the whole fact of coming back to life and living on another planet. It's almost as if she is used to living in her own little world".

Pinocchio to testify at OJ Simpson trial

2007-10-01T10:07:00.000-07:00

Lederhosen wearing, wooden boy Pinnochio is set to testify in the OJ Simpson armed robbery trial.
Pinnochio, who has also given evidence at OJ's murder trial back in the mid-90's and Michael Jackson's various bizarre trials, recently offered his services to defence lawyers at the Phil "Crazy hair" Spector case.
It seems Mister Pinnochio somehow manags to turn up in the right place at the right time. His sweet demeanour and cutesy voice have all played there part in swaying jurors opinions.

"My Papa Gepeto always told me to be a good little Pinnochio and to never ever tell a lie. And I swear that I will never, ever lie", squeeked the little guy as he almost poked a journalists eye out with his nose.
OJ's team have great faith in the little man.
"I believe my client will be proven innocent on all counts thanks to the honesty and intergrity of Pinnochio. How could a jury not be swayed by his sweet, sweet words of truthfullness?", smiled Johnny Cochrane Jnr.

"I witnessed the whole thing", claims Pinnochio, "OJ is completly blameless. It's all a big conspiracy. Anyone can tell that OJ is a wonderful man who wouldn't hurt a fly".

Since his stalled film career, Pinnochio has become a professional witness for individual clients and large Multinationals such as Microsoft. It's said that Martha Stewert got sent down because she refused his services. Pinnochio himself was on the board of Enron yet managed to save his own skin by performing a little dance for the judges, who cleared him of all wrongdoing becuase he was so "lovely".

Irish famine blamed on Marlon Brando

2007-09-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

The Irish potato famine of the 1840’s was the fault of dead legendary fat method actor Marlon Brando, is the dramatic claim made in a new book by Irish one-hit-wonder, Sinead O Connor.

O’ Connor, famous as the demented, bald singer of “Nothing Compares 2U”, claims she has evidence to support the wild claim.

“Marlon Brando was a product of the American system of mass production”, moaned O Connor from her stone cell monastery, “the corporate forces of Hollywood encouraged the cultivation of the potato, which was exported to the States in vast quantities to feed laboratory monkeys used in the thriving cosmetic industries of the Victorian age. Marlon Brando was the man who benefited the most from these face care products, churning out millions of dollars worth of movies which were in turn distributed as evil propaganda for the poor Irish slaving away in the British owned workhouses of the age”.

When asked about how this frankly illogical scheme could have happened when Marlon Brando wasn’t even born at the time, O’ Connor gave an emphatic – but equally mad – answer.
“The cap Marlon Brando wore in The Wild One appears in several photographs taken in rural Ireland during the famine times. And there was only one such hat every made. And that was for Marlon Brando. Proof positive”, said a wild eyed O Connor as she stroked a wooden log.

“How Marlon Brando Ruined The Irish By Stealing Their Potatoes” is available in stores on Friday.

Paris Hilton’s Rwanda trip

2007-09-28T10:24:00.000-07:00

Air-head heiress, Paris Hilton, is enjoying the sights and sounds of poverty stricken, previously war-torn nation Rwanda. Miss Hilton was met by Rwandan Cultural Minister Badu Musambeya.

A local reporter from the Kigali Daily News asked Paris what the hell she is doing in their country.
“I just love drag queens”, smiled Paris, “and I wanted to come see the inspiration for my favorite movie”.
The confused reporter looked bewildered but Paris continued.
“Tootsie. Don’t you just love Dustin Hoffman is that movie”.

The reporter pointed out that she was getting the movie confused with the African Tutsi tribe.
“We have two dominant tribes in Rwanda”, explained Culture Minister Musambeya, “the Hutu and Tutsi”.
“Oh, I love that band”, smiled Paris, “Bono is such an inspiration”.
The assembled crowds were seen shaking their heads in disbelief at her dumbness.
Mister Musambeya explained, “that’s HUTU, Miss Hilton, HU-TU”.

Paris’ next stop was to be at a genocide memorial to mark the atrocities of 1994.
Authorities instead wisely decided it would be wise to take her to a local McDonalds burger joint instead, where Paris enjoyed a Happy Meal and was seen playing with the free toy and babbling merrily to herself.

Bill Cosby banned from Great Wall of China

2007-09-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Cosby show jazz lover, Bill Cosby has been banned from the Great Wall of China for life, according to Communist Party Officals. Cosby claims he knows of no reason for the ban:
“Ya see”, jived Cosby, “I’m so busy with the jazz, that I can’t be responsible for what the jazz happens out there (The Great Wall)”.

Communist Offical Fuk Yu explained the reasons for the dramatic move:
“Mr Cosby caused mayhem with his wild use of ‘jazz-hands‘, which in our country it is a very bad thing. He spread his crazy jazz ideas to our people by writing “jazz poetry“ all over the structure. How would you like if I went to the Statue of Liberty and drew a moustache and comedy glasses on her face? You wouldn‘t like it, would you. That is what Mr Cosby did to our beloved wall”.
Cosby later admited to covering almost twenty miles of the Great Wall in what he called “jazz poetry”.

“They needed to know what-the-jazz, the jazz is”, pleaded Cosby as he was deported.

Sister Act actress trapped in chimney

2007-09-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Big boned comedian Kathy Nijimy, who played a jolly nun in the Sister Act movies is fighting for her life after getting trapped in a chimney.
Nigimy was heard screaming “Oh, god, not again”, as she poked her head up above the chimney pot.

Firefighters fought for 16 hours to free the comedian after their attempts where hampered by a plague of locusts and a tornado.

“Conditions were not ideal”, understated Fire Chief Waldo Baggins, “Miss Nagimy is a large woman. How she came to be trapped in a chimney is a mystery but we eventually managed to free her”.

Flown to a private hospital, Nagimy was rushed to intensive care. At her bedside was friend Whoopi Goldberg.
“I don’t know what she was thinking going up there again. Once is forgivable, twice is insane”, coughed Goldberg as she sucked on the end of a lit drainpipe.

Nagimy has claimed she was “researching a role”, which was exactly the same thing she said when the same thing happened back in 1999.

Madonna given “arguido” status in missing Madeleine mystery

2007-09-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

Pop superstar Madonna was today made a formal suspect by Portuguese police investigating missing British toddler Madeleine McCann.

“Madonna is now an arguido in our ungoing investigation”, said Detective Jose “ The Special One” Mourhino earlier today, “her previous record of taking a child from a Malawian man made us suspicious of her”.

Madonna, who has toured in Portugal before and was allegedly spotted hiding in a bush outside the Playa de Luz complex around the time of the child’s disappearance, has remained tight-lipped. Either that or she was too botoxed and was unable to move her mouth.
An eyewitness, Kelly Lyar, claims to have seen Madonna lurking around the holiday complex on the night Madeleine went missing.

“I saw a bush kind of moving and then I noticed something sparkly. I looked a little closer and then I realized it was Madonna wearing a diamond studded lycra bodysuit. I couldn’t believe it, I really couldn’t. I says to my fella, “’ere look at that, Tony, that’s Madonna that is”, and he say’s “Oh, don’t be a stupid cow, c’mon lets go and get pissed”.”

Unfortunately Kelly is an unreliable witness, having before claimed that she spotted both Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears in the same bush weeks previously. But Portuguese police have taken her claims seriously.

“Madonna has form”, said Detective Mourhino, “she is the predatory type. We believe she may be part of a group of wealthy female American entertainers who kidnap kids. We have our eye on Angelina Jolie, Mia Farrow and a few other ladies too.”

It was also revealed that mime artist Marcel Marceau came forward with information before his death last week.
“We never got to hear what he said”, said Mourhino, “he hung up before saying a word but we suspect it may have something to do with his old friend Michael Jackson. Or maybe not”.

Kate and Gerry McCann have welcomed the move forward in the search for their daughter.
“I never trusted the dirty cow since that whole David Banda thing”, said Gerry McCann describing Madonna, as he and Kate locked their twins in the boot of a hired car.
“The kids will be safe in there”, Kate added, “we are very good parents. Honest.”

Hollywood Big Noses gather to celebrate at Annual Event

2007-09-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

A glittering array of stars turned out last night for the 42nd annual Nosey’s. Celebrating the best and the brightest big nosed stars, the event attracted such luminaries as Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Pete Townsend of The Who, who arrived with someone else’s children.

“I’m delighted to be here”, said nominee Sean Penn, “I rowed here in a bathtub after another of my homes burned down but this whole occasion has cheered me up”.

Tennis ace, Steffi Graf spoke briefly: “A few years ago I won Best Supporting Female Nose but this year I’m just happy to be nominated”, she lied.

British big nose Rod Stewart was in great mood: “I bumped into Ronnie Woods (The Rolling Stones) back stage and we shared a hankerchief”.

A special award was posthumously awarded to legendary performer Jimmy Durante for “Outstanding Achievemnt in Big Noseness”.
Full results are available online somewhere - probably.

Paris Hilton Keyboard ensures easy web access to the socialite

2007-09-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

A computer keyboard has been launched by Microsoft, which ensures that you get all the latest Paris Hilton news. Dubbed the “Paris-Pad”, the keyboard features a single button marked “Paris Hilton”.
“We aim this product mostly at Paris fans”, said evil Microsoft hunchback, Bill Gates, “but it’s not solely limited to just fans”.

Retailing at $50, the same price as Paris’ mechanical ear, the “Paris-Pad” links directly to the parishilton.crap webpage.

“Why waste time typing in words?”, said Gates, “when all most people want to find out is about Paris Hilton and what she‘s up to”.
Sales of the “Paris-Pad” have sky rocketed, with tabloid journalists most eager to get their hands on the product.

Half Badger, Half Crocodile revealed to be Not Christina Aquilera

2007-09-24T10:14:00.000-07:00

Residents of a quite suburb in Miami FL, have breathed a collective sigh of relief following the announcement by Miami Dade PD that a creature discovered in the florida everglades is not singing windbag Christina Aquilera.

At a hastily arranged press conference, Detective Walt Teaser described their finding in detail:
“What we have here is a mammel-reptilian hybrid that is half badger and half crocodile. Forensic results can confirm that it is not in any way related to Christina Aquilera. The state of emergency has been lifted and you can all go safely about your business as normal”

The town of Fiasco was put on red alert after a fisherman came upon the beast nestled in the long grass by a riverbank.
“It scared the heck out of me”, said fisherman Dan Reichter, “I was sure it was one of them Aquilera things”.

Large, hairy men form human shield around Robin Williams house

2007-09-21T11:08:00.000-07:00

It has been reported that a human ring of burly hirsute men have gathered around the luxurious home of comedian Robin Williams.

The drastic step was taken following an unidentified callers claim that Williams was to be the latest target of a spate of shaving attacks in the celebrity area’s of Hollywood.

“I was scared sh*tless”, said neighbor and Esperanto speaker, William Shatner, “the thought that something like that could happen in this neighborhood makes me very worried. When I think of what they could have done to Robin‘s hairy shoulders and back it just makes me shiver all over”.

A spokesman for “Selebrity Security”, the security firm employed by Williams and other well known homeowners, explained the “Hairy man” defence technique:
“In order to get to the occupant, the intruder must first fight through the gauntlet of specially trained, extremely hairy men. The assailant, usually armed with a common electric shaver will pretty much always fail as either the blades clog up or he runs out of battery power”.

Police sources say they are hunting a white Caucasian male, dressed like the McDonalds Hamburgler.

Mental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog

2007-09-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assult rifle.

Alvin Chipmonk, 43, from Housten TX, was ecstatic in his delight at Winfrey’s intervention:
“Oprah, you saved my life. If it wasn’t for you I may just have done something real bad. That dog of mine was a ticking time bomb, always telling me to do bad things”.

Winfrey fired on the dog while out walking with her friend Gayle at the “Benjamin Bonkers Asylum for the Insane” when she came upon the animal.

“Now everybody knows I love my guns”, boomed Winfrey, “and my good friend Gayle said ‘Oprah, look at that talking dog over there’. It was lucky I was carrying my gold-plated Kalashnikov at the time”.

The dog, Mister Tibbs, is in a comfortable position in hospital but doctors say he will never speak again.

Kelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her

2007-09-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

Original American Idol Winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
The letter reads as follows:

“Dear Pope Benedict XVI,

Please desist from following me. You are a grown man and father, with another child on the way with Paris Hilton.

You are, like me, a famous person who has responsibilities to your fans and general public. Don’t you feel ashamed? Leave me alone and stop calling me, following me and sending me flowers.

We could never be. Why can’t you get that through your thick skull.

Yours hatefully,

Kelly Clarkson Chubby Singer/ Humanitarian”

The Pontiff has so far made no comment but sources reveal that a pope-mobile matching the description of Benedict’s has been spotted parked across the road from Miss Clarkson’s Hollywood home.

Tom Cruise and John Travolta convert to new Sausagology religion

2007-09-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

Tom Cruise and John Travolta have switched from one cult to another equally bonkers one.

“Scientology was fun”, said Travolta, “but I needed something that was crazier and made less sense”.

The growing religion of Sausagology teaches believers that the universe was created by the Great Sausage God zillions of years ago and that the earth and all it’s creatures, including human beings, were formed for the purpose of spreading the gospel of sausage to unsuspecting fools.

“I just think it’s great”, grinned new face of garden gnomes, Cruise, “Sausagology allows me to be who I really am. My life has changed. Plus I don’t have to pay millions of dollars each year to keep the damn religion off my back”.

Meetings take place at various sausage centers around the country, where the congragents gather to talk about sausages and sing songs about sausages and do other sausage-based things.

“But we are forbidden to actually eat sausages”, added Cruise, “which is really hard for John (Travolta) to not do, seeing as he's such a fat bast*rd”.

Communist Party stages Belly Dancing festival of culture

2007-09-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

The Chinese Communist Party, noted for it’s charitable works and general kindness, has staged a muti-cultural belly dancing festival along the streets of Bel Air.

“We thought it was time to show our appreciation of our wonderful American friends", said party spokesman Fuk Yu.

The festival, entitled “Jolly Jolly Happy Happy Belly Dancing Time”, attracted a crowd of Communist and non-Communist alike.

“I’m here for the belly’s”, said grizzled actor Nick Nolte.

Another attendee was Professor Steven Hawking and his robot.
“Now this is what I call a Communist Par-tay!”, electronically commented the wheelchair bound Professor.

Fuk Yu was pleased with the days events.
“It was very jolly. Lots of good time had by all and we raise lot of money for our millionaire leaders back home to build nice things for next years Olympic Games”.

Sales of fake voices exceed those of cinema admissions

2007-09-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

Spiderman 3 and Transformers may have packed them in at the box-office but movie earnings fall way begind those of fake voices.
Spurred by the demands of Hollywood celebrities, fake accent sales have gone through the roof with prices ranging from $5 to $500,000.

“Madonna is a big spender”, said Jimmy Jimjimwolawolah of fakecelebaccents.crap, “she buys from us all the time, usually Victorian British accents the kind nanny’s used to speak”.

“Mike Myers and Robin Williams are partial to a little fake Scottish, which they tend to uveruse a bit too much for my liking. We have a host of Aussie actors such as the lead guy that was in The Guardian and the main guy from Nip Tuck - now they spend a lot on high grade US accents”.

Celebrity attention such as this has encouraged regular citizens to splash their cash to the tune of almost 8 billion dollars.

“We had a woman from Michigin order a bunch of Romanian accents last week”, said Jimmy, “but I’m guessing it was probably just Madonna again".

New “Best Retard” Oscar to be awarded at Academy Awards Show

2007-09-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Next years Oscar ceremony will see the handing out of a new award for “Best Retard”.

“It’s in recognition of all the hard work some actors put into their performances to be handicapped or deformed in some way”, said Academy spokesman Hugh Aryue.

Tom Hanks, who has won the Best Actor oscar a number of times undeservedly believes he’s in with a chance.

“I have a new film coming out called Mikey the Mongo Boy where I play the title character. Think of it as Forrest Gump meets Sloth from The Goonies”, said the multi-chinned lardy actor.

Brad Pitt also has his eye on the prize.
“I think I could win it just by playing myself”, said Pitt during day release from Angelina Jolie’s care.

Zombie Olympics to be opened by Mel Gibson

2007-09-18T10:40:00.000-07:00

The XXIII Zombie Olympiad’s official opening ceremony begins later today with a host of celebrities in attendence.

The Olympic torch will be extinguished by none other than movie star and leper Mel Gibson.

“It is an honor to be chosen”, said Mad Mel, “the extinguishing of the Olympic torch symbolises the removal of the zombie’s greastest fear - fire - and allows the proud athletes to compete in safety”.

Popular events include the 100 meters sprint, which takes over an hour to complete due to the slowness of the competitors.

“What I’m really excited about seeing”, said Gibson, “is the swimming events. The water turns to porridge after a couple of laps”.

Lindsey lohan trains sheep to tapdance for new TV show

2007-09-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Bonkers celebrity bitch, Lindsey Lohan has been busy lately training sheep how to tapdance for a new POX show. Entitled “Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep”, the show sees Lindsey undertake to teach different dance moves each week to a group of rythmless sheep.

“It’s a way to combine my two great loves”, said Lohan, “dance and animals”.

Viewers are invited to vote by tele-pole for their favorite sheep each week and which one goes back to the slaughter house.

“Some say it’s cruel”, said producer Alotta Munny, “some say it’s car-crash TV with Lindsey at the steering wheel. Well I say it’s just plain old greed, Baby”.

“Lindsey Tap-Dances With Sheep” debuts September 20 on POX.

Steven Seagal invites fat girls to howl at his house

2007-09-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Tubby 90’s action hero, Steven Seagal has been spotted placing notices on store windows in Boise, Idaho, calling on fat girls to howl at his house.

The notice reads as follows:

Wanted: Big boned girls, aged 18 +, to gather outside the house of once famous action movie star. Ability to howl a bonus. No experience necessary. This is an unpaid position but may lead to further work. Telephone 555 ********.

Locals are confused by the cryptic notice.
“We get a lot of guy’s around here wanting girls to howl at their house”, said one local resident, “but who the hell is this Steven Seagull character?”.

Rap mogul Angela Landsbury promotes new roster of “talent”

2007-09-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

“Murder She Wrote” actress and jailed killer Angela Landsbury has been unveiling the roster of new acts she has signed to her “Crack Bitch” label.

Landsbury, who is serving multiple life sentences in San Quentin for murder and kidnapping offences, held a press conference from her prison cell. The acts include “Hairy John”, “Fat Larry” and “Big Boi Caprese”.

"I'm fizzle jizzle to the snizzle whizzle", said Lansbury as she rlled a joint and handed it to her cell mate, Big Bubba.

Due to federal financial regulations, all income from Landsbury’s earnings must be donated to the victims of her crimes, so mafia crime boss John Gotti’s widow is in for another mega windfall.

Braindamaged Pagans encourage Valdimir Putin to shelve boogie-woogie ban

2007-09-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

Liza Lotte , the founder and patron of the Brain-dead Pagans Association, has called on peace-loving Russian premier Vladimir "The Body" Putin to end his country’s ban on boogie-woogie music.

“Being brain-damaged pagans, we don’t have much else to do but dance”, said a heartfelt Liza, “music is our release. Mr. Putin has crossed the line in the sand. He has crossed the line between decency and disrespect. He has banned boogie-woogie”.

Russia has targeted the old time music out of fears that it may corrupt the nations peace-loving youth, but small sections of the populace still hold secret boogie-woogie dances in rural village homes.

“ We need peoples to focus on work”, said Russian security advisor, Olga, in comically bad English, “build submarine, build factory, build strong soldier to fight, drink wodka. No time for this boogie-woogie”.

Putin has indicated that he may be willing to make a compromise in exchange for being given control of the Artic Circle, a Moon base, control of all the sea’s of the world and a signed photo of dead Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith.

My Chemical Romance lady-boys dating Maroon 5 lady-boys

2007-09-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

The members of crap lady-boy band My Chemical Romance are dating the members of crap lady-boy band Maroon 5.

“A lack of talent, character, originality and attitude brought them together”, said a spokesperson for the two acts.

“Prison Break” actor William Fitchner loves stairs

2007-09-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

William Fitchner, who plays Agent Alex Mahone in TV‘s “Prison Break”, loves stairs.

“I love ‘em”, smiled Fitchner, “I can’t get enough of them. When everyone else goes home, I stay two, maybe three hours later just going up and down those stairs”.

The actor feels the fixation appeared after appearing in the TV show “Invasion” in which he played a sheriff.

“That show was quite different”, said Fitchner, “there were very few stairs in any of the scenes. Invasion took place in a rural location and there was hardly any stairs around except for the odd step here and there. But Prison Break…., well Prison Break is the opposite. Every week there are lots and lots of stairs, stair ways, escalators, ramps, you name it they’ve got it”.

Fichtner is looking forward to his next vacation.
“I’m heading to Europe. I want to climb the steps of the Eiffel Tower in Paris and check out the steps leading up to the leaning Tower of Pisa”, said the stair-fixated thespian.

Britney Spears to play Statue of Liberty in new movie

2007-09-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

Baldy singer Brittany Spears will play the Statue of Liberty in a new Hollywood movie being produced by Warner Brothers.

“Custody for Liberty” shows the battle the statue fought in 1889 to keep custody of it’s infant daughter.

“Liberty has lead an incredible life”, said director Martin Scorsese, “ her affair with the Eiffel Tower, her struggle to hold onto their love-child, her depression and drugs fuelled rants. All these things are going to be shown in the movie”.

“I met Brittany last year in a junkyard”, continued Scorsese, “A lovely girl. Very dedicated to the role. I think she will bring a lot of her own life experiences to the part”.

The film co-stars “Seinfeld’s” Jason Alexander as The Eiffel Tower, William Baldwin as the “Jefferson Memorial” and Camryn Manheim as “Graceland”.

Guitarist Slash breaks thumbs whilst tickling whale

2007-09-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

“Velvet Revolver” guitarist Slash has ended up in hospital after breaking both his thumbs while tickling a blue whale.

“I’m hurtin’, man”, groaned Slash, “if I thought something like this could happen I wouldn’t have gone anywhere near the damn thing”.

The blue whale, the largest creature that has ever existed which even dwarfs the dinosaurs, washed up in the former “Guns ‘n Roses” guitarists swimming pool.
It’s reported that Slah awake in the early hours of the morning, saw the creature and immediately rushed down from his bedroom to try and “play” it.

“Major bad idea, man”, said the wounded musician.

Hollywood Sign home to Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins

2007-09-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

Hollywood couple Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon have set up home alongside the Hollywood sign.

“We are protesting”, said Robbins, “we’re just not sure what we’re protesting about yet, though”.

The liberal-loving duo have backed many good causes in the past and are strong opponents of the war in Iraq.

“We both hate war”, said Sarandon, “we hate war so much we are willing to kill for it. In fact I may just kill you right now..”

“That’s true”, interrupted Robbins, “we’ll kill anyone who doesn’t oppose war . So watch your backs people -'cos were watching you”.

“Dancing Rascists” musical wows Broadway critics and fans

2007-09-11T10:31:00.000-07:00

“Dancing Racists‘”, a depression-era set musical starring Jean Claude Van Damme and Piper Perabo has been drawing in record box office numbers with multiple sell out shows.

“It’s a phenomenom”, said Van Damme, “I haven’t been this popular since Time Cop and even then I wasn't that popular”.

The musical deals with themes of love and loss amongst a small town community in rural America.

“We have to come to terms with such things as robot monsters, killer plants, angry black people and stuff like that”, continued Van Damme.

Suprisingly the musical has even attracted praise from unlikely sources such as Amnesty International.

“It features stereotypes of all colors and creeds”, said Lizzie Dolson of Amnesty International, “the dancing minstrel housemaid, the Irish drunken thief, the Chinese kung-fu expert chef and they even manage to squeeze in a part for an igloo building Inuit”.

“Dancing Rascists” is produced by Mel Gibsons production company Icon and directed by Gibson’s father.

Jack Osbourne dies after falling from magic carpet

2007-09-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Pathetic, useless waste of space no-hoper rich nobody, Jack Osbourne has died follwing an accident involving an electrocuted barbed wire fence and a magic carpet.

“We miss jack”, said his self promoting, useless, waste of space, no personality bitch mother, Sharon Osbourne, “but we’re grateful that his death has given us another piece of media coverage”.

Jack Osbourne is to be buried in a lavish Las Vegas themed ceremony which will be aired on MTV tomorrow and repeated every six hours for the next five years.

Nobody is expected to attend because nobody cares.

STOP PRESS: It turns out Jack Osbourne is NOT in fact dead! Links to a similar story involving his dad Ozzy and a certain quad bike accident a few years ago are being examined.

Entourage actor Adrian Grenier threatens to quit show unless he is given gills

2007-09-11T10:13:00.000-07:00

Entourage actor Adrian Grenier has threatened to quit the hit TV show unless producers pay for surgery to implant gills on the actors neck.

“Adrian is an average actor”, said an insider,”in fact he’s actually a below average actor. Why the heck should they (the shows producers) pay for him to get the operation? C’mon, it’s not as if he’s auditioning for the remake of The Man from Atlantis, is it?”

Greneier is reputed to be interested in auditioning for the remake of the classic Patrick Duffy-starring TV series “The Man From Atlantis” about a man who has gills and can breath underwater.

"Ok, I stand corrected", admitted the insider

Mariah Carey glues face to old man’s leg

2007-09-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

Singer Mariah Carey got herself in a sticky situation when she accidentally glued her face to the leg of an 85 year old man.

The incident occurred at a Palm Springs resort, where Carey was recording her latest album of ballads dedicated to hopeless celebrities.

“Mariah is ok”, said a spokeswoman for the singer, “but she was a little shaken by the whole glue thing”.

The man was named as Bobby Bigglesworth, an octogenarian male escort from Flint, Michigan, who is living in the Happy Daze Retirement Home with his dog, Skip.

It’s unknown how, or indeed why, Carey glued her face to the man, but it may have something to do with her madness.

Charlton Heston slams the National Rifle Association for “gun loving”

2007-09-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

Legendary Hollywood actor and N.R.A spokesman Charlton Heston has slammed the association for what he calls a “gun loving” attitude.

Speaking at a remarkably bizarre rally staged in Augusta, Georgia, Heston, while stoned out of his head on drugs, said :

“Must we be so gun loving? Are we that inhumane that we ignore the plight of our fellow man? Where is the tower of strength, the communal care, the flying monkeys? Are we not men?”

The speech was greeted with cheers from the assembled masses who laid down their weapons and pledged to bring love to the world through yoga and seafood cooking.

“He spoke what I was thinking all along”, said NRA member JD Calvin Cuttle, “my heart was beating so fast while he spoke I surely thought it was gonna explode. And the flying monkey reference really rang through with myself and my family”.

Mr. Heston exited the building on a flying monkey accompanied by a talking mouse and a sheep, according to N.R.A eyewitnesses gathered at the L.S.D table.

African Charity donates money to Church of Scientology

2007-09-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

African based charity “The Good Givers” has donated a large unspecified sum of money to the Church of Scientology.

“We heard on the radio about the plight of the Scientologists in America”, said spokeswoman Adejale Bijunbumbo of “The Good Givers”, “every sixty seconds a Scientologists goes broke somewhere in the US. Our donation we hope will help bring some relief to these poor people”.

“The Good Givers” were founded in 1984 in Ethiopia by a group of friendly Warlords backed by Britain and the Reagan Administration here in the US.
Although the donation is unspecified, it is thought to exceed three Billion dollars.

"We hope the Scientologists can rebuild some of their centers and continue to make money for loony Hollywood stars", said a teary eyed Mr. Bijunbumbo

American Idol judge Randy Jackson sinks sailboat full of kittens

2007-09-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

American Idol fatboy judge, Randy Jackson, has sunk a twenty-five foot sailboat loaded with exotic kittens destined for the foreign market.

Mr. Jackson, a music producer and foot model, has become quite a specialist in sinking ships of late.

Late last month he scuttled an oil tanker off the coast of Newfoundland. Six days ago he sank a ship belonging to former Nine Inch Nails singer Trent Reznor in the Bahamas and only yesterday he torpedoed a fishing trawler off the coast of Spain.

“I try to do my thing”, said Jackson, “just workin’ my magic, dawg”.

Jackson claims his vandalism is part of his “great plan” for the world.

“Look, let me lay it out for you”, said Jackson, “my music, producing, American Idol and all that are just small fry. The goal is to sink ships, man. That’s were the life is, baby”.

Jackson remians free because authorities fear he may sink their little police boats.

George W Bush gets trapped in public toilet

2007-09-10T10:35:00.000-07:00

President George W Bush had a lucky escape after getting trapped in a public toilet in a Dallas shopping mall.

“We saw the whole thing on CCTV”, said Jawanna Myles, “I work with the mall security team and we all laughed when we saw the President get trapped. It was so funny”.

C.I.A officials did not see it that way and a major security plan was put into action with all exits being blocked and a two mile cordon being set up around the mall perimeter.

Rumor has it that Bush dropped the keys to Air Force 1 down the lavatory and attempted to retrieve them but got into trouble when his $480,000 Rolex lodged in the U-bend, effectively trapping the fool.

“The President is unhurt”, said a White House spokesman, “terrorist links are being investigated and further action may yet be taken”.

Reports later in the afternoon came through that an Afghan Rolex factory was bombed by two F-16 fighter jets, but these two events may be unrelated.

Benitio del Toro to star in Hellboy 2

2007-09-10T10:23:00.001-07:00

Actor Benitio del Toro has been cast as “Mumble Man” in the sequel to comic book movie Hellboy.

“I’ve admired Benito for his whole career”, said fat red haired, beardy director Guillermo del Torres.
The film will see Hellboy, played by Ron Pearlman, taking on the Chinese Communist Party led by lizard monster “Colin” (played by British actor Colin Firth).

“This film will be unique”, said del Torres, “in that nothing happens and you get to see nothing for the whole 2 hour runtime.All you hear are random voices and the odd sound effect.”
Asked if this might put off some viewers, del Torres was adamant it would not.
“The fan boy geeks will go watch anything- even if there is nothing there to see. They are so dumb”,laughed del Torres as his belly wobbled in excited bliss and foam gathered around the corners of his gaping mouth.

Retard movie banned in Oklahoma

2007-09-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

A movie directed by Oscar Winner Steven Spielberg has been banned in Oklahoma by city officials.
“Retard” is a family movie about a boy who discovers a magical retard hiding in his garage.

“It’s a tale about a suburban boy whose father has recently passed away and he’s trying to come to terms with his loss”, said Spielberg, “he finds a special friend called Retard who helps him and his family”.

“We cover themes of love, loss, rebellion in this picture”, added Spielberg, “and with the 98% of the movie’s gross, I plan to buy a small South American country and rule it like a Sun God”.

Writer/producer George Lucas elaborated further;
“I can relate to retard a lot. I grew up in a relatively wealthy family, I became a multi millionaire very early in life, I’m now a multi-billionaire with an empire that’s viewed by some as a religion…“, Lucas pauses to stroke his beard, “actually I’m nothing like Retard”.

Retard will be portrayed by scary big mouth Sandra Bernhardt and the boy is being played by Jessica Alba.

Sick child blames 50 Cent for her illness

2007-09-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

Terminally ill little girl, Laurie Wilson, has blamed rapper 50 Cent for her illness.

“He offered me candy and I ate it”, croaked the 9 year old Californian, “It was bad candy. It made me very sick”.
50 Cent previously ran an illegal candy shop.
Lawyers acting for 50 Cent deny the claim.

James Dean’s hands used as door stop

2007-09-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

The severed hands of deceased movie star James Dean, were being using as a door stop in an Arizona diner.

The “Salty Dog” in Phoenix, Az had been using the hands for almost fifty years before a customer remarked how similar they looked to the dead icon.

“One of our regulars, who by the way is retarded, made the connection”, said waitress Elmira, “he stood up on the counter top and screeched at the top of his voice “them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean, them’s the hands of Jimmy Dean”, over and over again. Well, we just thought he was bonkers”.

The hands have now been returned to their legal owner, big haired singer Michael Bolton.

Doctor Phil scales the Empire State building while naked

2007-09-07T10:56:00.000-07:00

TV advice guy Doctor Phil was captured by New York Police Department officers on Saturday while scaling the Empire State building completely nude.

“We thought it was another terrorist attack”, said officer Mike O’Shaughnessy, “how he reached the top without the aid of ropes or equipment is a puzzle”.

"Some of the boys couldn't resist asking him for advice on family problems and he was real helpful, despite all the press and commotion".

This isn’t the first time Doctor Phil has done this. Only last month he got halfway up the highest point on the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco before being apprehended by a bunch of school kids.

Cavemen move into Jennifer Aniston’s V2 rocket display

2007-09-07T10:46:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Aniston has some unwelcome visitors in her back garden. A group of Neolithic cavemen have set up home in Anniston’s antique World War II German V2 rocket collection.

“They moved in last Wednesday and are refusing to leave”, said local TV reporter Ben Chasemann of HWTV.

"Jen is not an antisocial person but when you have a bunch of - quite honestly - neanderthols lvining in close proximity to some rockets you just know that thats not such a great idea".

Aniston has reputedly turned for help to former husband Brad Pitt, who himself found himself in an identical situation some years back.

David Blaine plans next magical stunt

2007-09-07T10:40:00.001-07:00

Street magician David Blaine has announced his latest daring stunt.

“I’m going to be coated in mouse urine”, droned Blaine, “and I’m going to stand in the middle of Times Square for a month. And I’m going to be balancing a small monkey on my nose. And I’m not going to drink any soda”.

Asked what this has to do with magic or illusion, Mr Blaine refused to reply and merely stared at reporters for hours without blinking.

Kirsten Dunst giggles her way into history

2007-09-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Spiderman actress Kirsten Dunst first came to the worlds attention playing a precocious vampire child in Interview With The Vampire but little did she know back then that she would enter the history books for the greatest amount of giggling during an interview.

“During the promotional tour for Spiderman 3, Kirsten giggled an amazing 937 million times, which beats the previous record set by airheads Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz “, says Guinness Book of World Records spokesman Jeremy Jeffers.

Joan Rivers stretches her face to Antarctica

2007-09-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

Occasionally funny lady Joan Rivers has stretched her face all the way from New York to the ice laden continent Antarctica.

“What can I say, I’m a crazy bitch with an elastic face”, said Ms Rivers.

Brandy assaults Mandy after bingeing on Candy

2007-09-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

America’s Got Talent judge Brandy physically assaulted Mandy Moore in a LA car park after bingeing on a diet of candy bars donated to her by the Hershey company.

“She was crazy”, said eyewitness Laeticia Jackson, “her eyes were all crazy and stuff like she was on drugs or something”.

Hershey has admitted to including “trace” amounts of crack cocaine and L.S.D in its candy treats.

“Waynes World” actress Tia Carrere crashes motorized helmet into funeral home

2007-09-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

Tia Carrere who played Mike Myers' love interest in the Wayne’s World movies was arrested after crashing a motorized ½ tonne helmet vehicle into a funeral home in West Hollywood.

“She lost control of the vehicle”, said Officer Mike Rush of the LAPD, “it’s just lucky that everyone she hit were already dead”.

Bette Midler gets liposuction on her tongue

2007-09-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

“Beaches” fat woman Bette Midler has emerged from an exclusive Hollywood clinic with a sleek new tongue.

“Bette always had a fat tongue”, said her publicist, “they sucked a gallon of fat out of it and it looks great”.

Foo Fighters front man sells Courtney Love to Dutch sailors

2007-09-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

Foo Fighters lead singer and guitarist Dave Grohl has sold his former deceased Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain’s widow to Dutch Sailors.

“it’s what Kurt would have wanted”, said Groehl.

Conan O’ Brian rides shiny new bicycle

2007-09-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

Funny man talk show host Conan O Brian has been test-driving his shiny new bicycle.

“I like the bell. A lot”, said O’ Brian.

Stereotypes protest in Hollywood

2007-09-06T10:11:00.000-07:00

Stereotypes are protesting at the gates of all the major Hollywood studios.

“It’s not fair”, said bumbling British fop Hugh Grant, “they never put us in films anymore. When was the last time you saw me play a bumbling British fop?”.

Other well known faces in attendance were swarthy aging Arab stereotype Omar Sharif, swarthy aging Italian stereotype Ricardo Montalban, old eternally wise black men stereotypes Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones, nerdy nervous weakling stereotype Rick Moranis and wise cracking annoying sidekick stereotype Tom Arnold.

“Hollywood just doesn’t use stereotypes the way they used to”, bemoaned explosive midget Italian-American mob wise guy stereotype, Joe Pesci, “I’m here supporting all of us Italian-American mob stereotypes, especially the guys from The Soprano’s. What the hell are they gonna do now that the shows been axed?”.

Michael Moore documentary tackles Michael Moore documentaries

2007-09-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

Swashbuckling documentarian Michael Moore’s latest project sees the fat man taking on the might of himself.

“Who am I?”, asks Moore, “when did documentaries become popular entertainment for the big screen? Why don’t any of my clothes fit properly? I think the American public need to know, don’t you?”.

The film, entitled "Michael More More Moore!", is expected early next year.

Ludacris makes gigantic fish head sculpture to aid artic sea lions

2007-09-04T10:17:00.000-07:00

Rapper Ludacris collected fish heads as a hobby until he stumbled upon a National Geographic TV program about the artic sea lion.

“I saw that show and I swear to God I never cried so much in my life. And I swore to almighty God that I would make a fifty foot sculpture and donate it to those little guys”, said Ludacris.

The finished work, entitled “Ode to the Artic”, will be presented to a sea lion community in Canada later this month.

“I just pray to God they appreciate the work”, added Ludacris

Christina Ricci plays Madonna’s eyebrows in 80’s set film

2007-09-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

Christina Ricci will play the busy eyebrows beloved of Madonna in a movie set in the superstar’s early career.

“She had these big hairy eyebrows back at the start of her career and as the she progressed they got thinner and more plucked”, said Ricci, “They had a character all of their own which is why we’ve made a movie about them”.

Madonna’s Eyebrows opens nationwide shortly.

Buddhist hamster lover, Richard Gere, shocks bus full of school kids with electric chair

2007-09-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

Richard Gere caused upset on Friday when he accidentally electrocuted a school bus of boys and girls from a local junior.

“The Pretty Woman guy was playing around with a portable electric chair when things just got way out of hand”, said an eyewitness.

Twelve kids were rushed to hospital with burn injuries and shock.

Mr. Gere claimed he was “researching a film role”.

Mickey Rourke's dog meets Zimbabewe's Robert Mugabe

2007-09-02T06:56:00.000-07:00

Mickey Rourkes dog, who was appointed by Governor Schwarzenegger as leader of a fact finding mission to Zimbabwe meet Robert Mugabe yesterday. The two discussed both domestic and foreign policies and enjoyed a casual stroll in a nearby park.

“We came to many good decisions on absolutely nothing”, smiled Mr. Mugabe

Matlock makes rare appearance to promote Lil Kim clothing line

2007-09-02T06:51:00.000-07:00

TV’s “Matlock” Andy Griffith turned up to promote Lil Kim’s new fashion line for oversized short women.
“I don’t know why I’m here”, said Griffith to much laughter. “No. I honestly don’t know how I got here or why”, said the confused star.

Antonio Bandaras blames Melanie Griffith and roller-skates for crap career

2007-09-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

“Desperado” actor Antonio Bandaras blames his wife Melanie Griffith for his recent bad run of movies.
“Melanie is like poison”, said the Spanish actor, “in Spanish we call her El Diablo (The Devil). I was once popular, but then I married her. Melanie Griffith and her damn roller-skating. She has destroyed me!”
Bandaras is starring in Turkish film "All my lovely Sheep" at the moment.

Bob Newhart lives in a wheel

2007-08-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

Deadpan comedian Bob Newhart is so poor that he has had to live in a wheel. “I’m very poor”, said Newhart.

Liza Minelli hits out at “ungrateful” strippers

2007-08-29T10:28:00.000-07:00

Liza Minelli has hit out at complaints made by Strippers of America, the regulatory body for strippers operating in the US. “Aren’t I entitled to do a full body strip as part of my show?”, said Minelli, “it’s tastefully done”. The strippers claim Minelli is a big, fat hunchback and that she does a disservice to their industry.

ER doctor Mekhi Pfeiffer scours bathtub for signs of life

2007-08-29T10:09:00.000-07:00

“8 Mile” and “ER” actor Mekhi Pfeiffer is spending his weekends searching his bathtub for life. “So far I’ve found a couple of fish, an old boot and a rusty metal bed”, complained Pfeiffer, “there’s gotta be a monster or something down here somewhere. Hasn’t there?”.

Samuel L Jackson to front Ku Klux Klan ad campaign

2007-08-28T10:29:00.000-07:00

“Snakes on a Plane” actor Samuel L Jackson never turns down a chance to appear on screen. His next appearance will be on a nationwide advertising campaign promoting racist idiots the Ku Klux Klan.
“We needed someone that Klan members can relate to for the campaign. Sam Jackson is the perfect guy for the job”, spouted Klansman Robert D Pepper III.

Adam Sandler looses legs in frostbite incident

2007-08-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

Comedian Adam Sandler lost his legs after falling into an ice cream van. “He wanted a sno cone but stood too close to the ice box”, said Ice Cream Guy Billy.

Republican candidate Giuliani will “turn back time”

2007-08-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Former New York mayor, Rudolph Giuliani says he want’s America to go back to a safer time.
“You know in the very first Superman movie the bit where Superman flies around the world so fast that time goes backwards and he saves Lois Lane because everything goes back to the way it was before Lex Luthor created the giant earthquake which killed her?”, said an excited Giuliani at a Republican fundraiser, “well that’s what I’m going to do if elected”. When told that pop star e Spears already has a time machine that can do the same thing, Giuliani meekly stepped away from the podium and sat silently in the corner.

Michael Jackson opens free babysitting service

2007-08-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

Plastic faced Holocaust denier, Michael Jackson has opened a child-minding center right in the heart of Beverly Hills. “It’s for deprived rich kids”, squealed Jackson, “it’s a place where they can come and play and each room has a special door and I’ll be waiting behind it if they get too close”.

Donny Osmond has already taken his kids to the center. “Michael’s a friend”, smiled Osmond as he kept an eagle eyed watch on a slightly ajar door near his kids.

Robert DeNiro calls foul on fowl

2007-08-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Taxi Driver nut job Robert DeNiro has banned chicken’s from the set of his latest movie “Once upon a Time in Chicken Land”. “I don’t like ‘em. Never did”, moaned the star.

Paris and pope Benedict spotted at exclusive maternity ware store

2007-08-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

Mom to be, Paris Hilton was spotted snapping up diamond encrusted “maternity” tiaras at Le Chic Mom on Rodeo Drive. Accompanying her was her boyfriend Pope Benedict XVI, dressed in a turquoise tracksuit and trainers.

Simpsons creator stabs the “Rapping Granny” in the knees

2007-08-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

Simpsons creator Matt Groening said “I didn’t do it” yesterday from his Palm Beach retreat. Mr Groening was responding to complaints that he viciously assaulted America’s Got Talent contestant “The Rapping Granny” with an 8-inch blade at an LA strip joint. “Look, there’s a million crazy Vietnam vet’s out there that look just like me”, claimed Groening, “it’ll never stand up in court. And neither will she”.

Josh Brolin commandeers submarine and fires nuke while drunk on stepmothers urine

2007-08-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

“Hollow Man” actor and son of ”Hotel” actor James, Josh Brolin commandeered a US nuclear submarine during a nighttime drinking binge on stepmother Barbara Steisands vintage urine collection. US Naval authorities have expressed dismay at Mr. Brolin’s childish antics. “He’s a bad, bad boy”, said a Navy spokesman.

A San Diego city block was destroyed during Brolin’s naughty nuclear launch. “He f*cked up, big time”, griped newly appointed Nuclear Energy Spokeswoman Rosie O Donnell as she surveyed the scene.

British Royal family capture escaped murderer Angela Lansbury

2007-08-27T10:08:00.000-07:00

British newspaper, The Daily Mail, reports that the Royal Family have intercepted escaped killer Angela Lansbury. The “Murder She Wrote” actress was apparently fired upon and wounded by Queen Elizabeth.

Lansbury is set to be deported to the US where she will serve the remainder of her sentence for killing Mafia Don John Goti at San Quentin correctional facility.

Howard the Duck remake planned

2007-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

A remake of “Howard The Duck” is being negotiated. “The time is right for an update”, enthused producer and writer George Lucas. The duck will be played by William Shatner in a papier mache costume

Indiana Jones movie closes New Delhi hair salon

2007-08-26T14:38:00.000-07:00

Makers of the new “Indiana Jones” movie apologized for the forced closure of a hair salon in New Delhi, India. “We apologized to staff and customers and it’s been cleared up”, said a Dreamworks spokeswoman.
The problem related to Harrison Ford’s fear of filming near Indian hair salons

6th Sense boy’s career ended by Hallucinations

2007-08-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

Star of monster hit “The 6th Sense”, Haley Joel Osment has had his career cut short by hallucinations.
“I see dead people”, said the now teenage nut.

Cabbage Patch Kids modeled on Mickey Rooney

2007-08-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

Playboy Playmate Mickey Rooney was the inspiration for ancient doll sensation the Cabbage Patch Kids series of dolls.

“The dolls creator put me up on his knee and said, ‘Mickey, how’d you like to become the face of a great new toy. Y’ know, for kids’. And I said sign me up, baby”, recalled the onion headed old timer.

MTV to show music videos

2007-08-26T07:30:00.000-07:00

Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video’s on a trial basis.

“We’ll start off slow with one video a month during Jackass repeats and then maybe increase it to two every month afterwards”, said MTV spokesman Dirk Heder.
MTV’s Pimp My Ride season begins tonite and ends Fall 2009.

Horror writer Steven King in legal battle with panda

2007-08-26T07:27:00.000-07:00

“Carrie” writer Steven King is locked in a tense legal battle with a 4 year old female panda. Lawyers for the bamboo-loving mammal, which lives at San Francisco zoo, claim she wrote Kings as yet unpublished novel “The Blood Givers”.

Police singer Sting burns Amazon rainforest for “a bit of fun”

2007-08-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

The Police singer and solo artist Sting has destroyed almost 1000 acres of Amazonian rain forest. “It was just a bit of fun”, sneered the pompous show off, “you should be bloody well grateful I didn’t torch the lot of that useless place”.

Fidel Castro hires dance act Stomp to be personal bodyguards

2007-08-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

Unwell Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has taken noisy dance troupe Stomp as personal bodyguards.
“Fidel likes load noise and we’re very noisy”, said one Stomp member, “when he’s feeling up to it he even straps on a couple of trash can lids and bashes out the beats”.

Arrested Developments Portia de Rossi fits sack of flour in her mouth

2007-08-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

Arrested Development’s Portia de Rossi has stuffed her mouth with 18oz of self-raising flour, according to friend, country singer Lyle Lovitt.

“I don’t know where she comes up with these tricks”, smirked Lovitt, “it’s a real head scratcher, for sure”.

Robin Williams must change routine

2007-08-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

“Mork and Mindy” wacko Robin Williams has been warned not to do comedy voice impressions anymore.
“It’s very tiresome and frankly not funny”, said an LAPD source.

U2 frontman sells orphans on eBay

2007-08-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

Bono, the lead singer of Irish rockers U2 has been caught selling African orphans on Internet auction site eBay again. “It’s against company policy to sell humans. The seller in question has been banned”, stated an eBay spokesperson.

Last Temptation’s Jim Caviezel knows “everybody in America”

2007-08-23T10:29:00.000-07:00

“Jesus” actor Jim Caviezel claims he’s met every single citizen in America.

“It’s true. Pick a name at random from the phone book and I bet you I’ve met them“, challenged the actor, “I get around, every time somebody auditions for American Idol, I’m there. Every TV show or a kid being born in a hospital I’m waiting at the door to shake your hand. Every baseball or gridiron game, I’m the guy handing out peanuts in the stands. You mightn’t know me, but I sure as hell know you”.

Jessica Simpson denies plot to overthrow Pakistani government

2007-08-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

“Dukes of Hazard” cardboard cutout Jessica Simpson has denied allegations that she planned a coup to overthrow President Musharaff’s government in Pakistan. “I didn’t so it. Honest”, cried Simpson.

Her sister Ashley Simpson is serving a 5 month jail term for organizing a failed military coup in neighboring Kashmir.

Saving Private Ryan actor collapses from excessive bell ringing

2007-08-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

Barry Pepper, who played a religious US sniper in war movie Saving Private Ryan, has collapsed from excessive bell ringing at a 15th century chapel.

James Bond circumnavigates the world in teapot

2007-08-22T10:55:00.000-07:00

The names Craig. Daniel Craig! The new James Bond has entered the history books by traveling around the world in a small teapot. “It was exhilarating”, said Craig, “but I shan’t be doing it again”.
The Guinness Book of Records noted that he achieved the feat in 168 days and discovered a new island nation of pygmies as a bonus.

Blade Runner actor Hauer banned from following Golden Girls star

2007-08-22T10:52:00.000-07:00

“Blade Runner” and “The Hitcher” actor Rutger Hauer, has been given a warning not to go near troubled “Golden Girls” star Betty White. “I really want to meet her”, growled the mad Dutchman.

Jessica Biel poses for Medical Journal

2007-08-22T10:48:00.000-07:00

Former “7th Heaven” sweetie, Jessica Biel is posing for ”Scalpel”, the US Medical Journal. “Since her Playboy spread, Jessica has been looking for ways to push the boundaries of nudity”, stated her drugs counselor, Linda Smithee. The 25-page full color feature will appear on newsstands next month.

Obnoxious brat Hannah Montana has developed Legionnaires disease

2007-08-22T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hateful deep voiced toad, “Hannah Montana” actress Miley Cyrus has contracted legionnaires disease whilst camping in the World War I trenches of Europe with her dad Billy Ray Cyrus

Nude fish wrestling grips Tinsel town’s finest

2007-08-22T10:34:00.000-07:00

All nude male fish wrestling has captured the imagination of some of Hollywood’s brightest stars.

“We’ve had Sean Connery down here. And Will Ferrell dropped by only yesterday with someone else’s kids”, announced owner of Fun Time Wrestle Emporium, Pete Paterson

Vancouver to Host “Bore Fest”

2007-08-22T10:31:00.001-07:00

Vancouver, Canada is to host this years “Bore Fest” which celebrates the dullest Canadian celebrities of the year. “We’ve a top notch line up”, boasts Steve Meiner, “Alanis Moiresette and Dan Ackyrod will be there, James Cameron will be giving a speech, Mike Myers will be doing a 30 minute routine and lots more”.

Ugly Betty star Salma Hyek takes nuns on Rio trip

2007-08-22T10:21:00.000-07:00

“Ugly Betty” producer and actress Salma Hayak brought an entire nunnary on a wild weekend to Rio di Janeiro, Brazil.

“They needed a break from all that praying and kneeling and holy stuff”, Hyak smiled, “these nuns are some of the baddest bitches I’ve ever met and I’ve been in Hollywood and Mexico a long time”. All twenty five nuns were arrested and charged with narcotics possession and illegal use of a dwarf.

Tiger Woods teaches Dick Van Dyke how to spin web

2007-08-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Golf master Tiger Woods has taught “Mary Poppins” dancing fool Dick Van Dyke how to spin a spider web.

“He’s a very interesting young man”, ponders Van Dyke, “I never asked but he just started spinning and next thing you know it’s a web. A most remarkable thing”.

That 70’s show stereotype Wilmer Valderama is a Pagan god

2007-08-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

Wilmer Valderama, who played exchange student “Fez”, is now a Pagan God. That’s the view expressed by readers of Pagan God Weekly, America’s best selling pagan magazine. “He topped the pole with 96 %”, said amazed editor Dawn Cartwright, “there are people out there who sacrifice goats to him”.

Also on the list were Ricky Schroeder, “Hart to Harts” Stephanie Powers and long dead entertainer Jimmy Durante’s former gardender, Cecil.

“Black Eyed Peas” Fergie wants to “sing on eyerybodys record”

2007-08-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Fergie, the lone female member of “The Black Eyed Peas”, wants to have her voice digitally pasted onto every song recorded dating back to the early 20th century. “People like me very much”, the cat faced squawker commented, “let them hear me on every track the world has ever known”.